Sometimes I find myself mourning for the loss of one of my former selves…like I miss that girl in college, wet behind the ears, caring with an eagerness unknown to deliver what professors wanted (perfectly edited writing, organized statistics assignments, practiced music for piano and voice…what time is my jury?) along with what other students needed (support, acceptance, “When’s our Shakespeare paper due again?“). Sometimes I miss her.
Other days, though, I find myself mourning that young mother, with three little ones. You know the one I’m talking about…before the twins came? That woman who woke with tired vigor after night nursing and read myriad picture books and rolled the enormous red ball with the toddlers,…the one who cradled that new little baby #3. She was such a conscientious mother, seeking to still help others with so much on her plate already.
And still, I find myself wishing I could recapture that vigor of running home after school, slinging books on the table, grabbing whatever was left in the Cheez Doodle bag and then dashing out the door again to play football with friends down the street, the “younger” guy that I liked in 9th grade among them. Where is she now?
Then sometimes I listen to Matchbox Twenty (they are on my playlist now), and I think about how far I’ve come…wondering if all the deaths of former selves are worth mourning over after all…. They have changed and created something more: wisdom, experience, love. I used to think I was most beautiful as a twenty-something bride, dressed in a long, white gown and my husband equally groomed in his tux (no pun intended), but that’s not who I am anymore, either.
I’m hoping this aging thing that’s happening to me looks a little more like beauty than society would think.
Well, I can smell the cake in the oven. Must be about ready. I’ll have to leave the mourning for another day. The preschooler has been asking for an Iron Man cake since he woke me up at 5:17 this morning, so I’m off to mixing butter, powdered sugar, milk, vanilla, and food dye (& probably a little bit of shortening if I can rationalize it) into red and gold frosting.
Till next time,
The Me I Am Today 🙂
Image Copyright Sarah Knight Photography