I was a bit startled when I typed the title into the little box above where I am writing now that I had this flashback to the movie Big, where Tom Hanks (as the “big,” grown-up character of himself has to sing, “Feelings” for his mother in order to prove to her that her son is indeed okay). Aren’t minds peculiar sometimes?
Through last week’s trauma experience (I use that term a little loosely–as in the experience was not life-threatening but indeed traumatic for me and our son and our family), I have remembered how I have dealt with trauma in the past: I go into this place of numbness. I shut down my feelings. I think I’ve been practicing this behavior for many years. And, I think the root of the feeling is fear.
Well–I would like to report a breakthrough. Are you ready? I’m not sure I am…but here I share anyway!
I allowed myself to feel. I allowed myself to share with others my fear. And I allowed myself to share my experience with others.
On Wednesday, (surgery day), I sat in the waiting room with a buzzer (similar to the one you may receive while waiting for a table at a crowded restaurant) for a moment without phone or book or watching the television on the wall. I just sat still and processed the last few days, prayed a bit, and felt. I took deep breaths.
And I started to cry. My eyes welled up (though I didn’t let tears fall…I’m not that uninhibited…yet), and I felt the fear and the hope and the trust that all would work out for the best.
And, I’m happy to say that so far, it has.