I have been acutely aware of the feeling of forgiveness lately. I have noticed it before upon an altercation with my husband, who–for all intents and purposes–I love with all my heart. Still, as two people living together with various stresses, varied interests, and myriad responsibilities, we can become short with one another, argue, and hurt one another at times. Those occurences are part of marriage. The longer I live, the more I am sure that “chick flicks” are exactly that–films for women [who need to fill a void or want a diversion from reality]. But life is not a movie, and marriage is not perfect. He doesn’t apologize with a dozen roses every time we disagree. The children don’t disappear or magically put themselves to bed (not to mention the fact that our home doesn’t have a nanny, butler, chef, or housekeeper) when we “need some time to talk.” Sorry to burst anyone’s bubble of “life is great all the time once you are married and you always pull together and love each other and sex is always great and dates are always romantic and no one ever needs to forgive because a screen writer says so.”
So, a few weeks ago, my dearest darling said something that hurt me. And I thought I was over it. But guess what? I wasn’t. And this morning, during that fantastically inspirational time between waking and sleep, where (if one of the kiddos doesn’t come in demanding to make an Iron Man cake at 5:17 a.m., which is what happened yesterday) I find myself figuring out solutions to issues and resolving concerns and pondering on which topic to blog (you should really try using this time if you don’t already), I was thinking about how I was feeling a little less than connected to my dearest husband. I was longing for that feeling again…and the thought came, “Forgive him.” Seriously? Could my issue with connection be that simple? Could I just knock down my wall that I had spent the past few weeks painstakingly building, let it go, and move forward into the abyss of forgiveness and love? I could. But will I? The choice is mine alone.