Brave

No, not the Disney movie that has taught more than one of my friends’ children the way to “moon” other children…but, I digress.

I’m talking about real, true, honest bravery. I remember attending a seminar once where a singer (Janna…? I wish I could remember…) took the stage with her guitar in hand and strummed a few chords as she invited us to sing along, “What would I do today if I were brave?” In addition to the power of the music, she added movement as we each signed (American Sign Language) the word “brave” as we sang. Though this experience happened years ago, the feelings are still vivid in my mind. I contemplated that question again recently, as I have many times at various moments in my life.

I would write more.
I would be less inhibited.
I would stop worrying about what others thought about me.

I still struggle with being brave, but I noticed that Sara Bareilles has released a new single entitled, “Brave.” I asked someone close to me who is usually more up on current music than I am if they were familiar with the song…and they mentioned a song by Josh Groban with the same title. (Thankfully, I found both through Spotify…and you can look for them toward the end of my Spotify playlist in the sidebar if you care to take a listen…and I’m posting Sara’s lyric video below for your viewing pleasure.)

Still, I’m wondering what I can do to develop the bravery…the courage…the lack of inhibition…or fear…that I need to do the work that I would like to do in this life. Any ideas?

I think I’m getting closer as I feel like I’m on the cusp of something amazing!!!! Join me, will ya?

🙂

And, speaking of being brave…I’m about to hit “publish” on this post…which makes #100.  How’s that for being a little brave?  100 windows into my life, love, liberty, and my personal pursuit of finding happiness…in the middle of my story.

Feelings…

I was a bit startled when I typed the title into the little box above where I am writing now that I had this flashback to the movie Big, where Tom Hanks (as the “big,” grown-up character of himself has to sing, “Feelings” for his mother in order to prove to her that her son is indeed okay).  Aren’t minds peculiar sometimes?

Through last week’s trauma experience (I use that term a little loosely–as in the experience was not life-threatening but indeed traumatic for me and our son and our family), I have remembered how I have dealt with trauma in the past:  I go into this place of numbness.  I shut down my feelings.  I think I’ve been practicing this behavior for many years.  And, I think the root of the feeling is fear.

Well–I would like to report a breakthrough.  Are you ready?  I’m not sure I am…but here I share anyway!

I allowed myself to feel.  I allowed myself to share with others my fear.  And I allowed myself to share my experience with others.

On Wednesday, (surgery day), I sat in the waiting room with a buzzer (similar to the one you may receive while waiting for a table at a crowded restaurant) for a moment without phone or book or watching the television on the wall.  I just sat still and processed the last few days, prayed a bit, and felt.  I took deep breaths.

And I started to cry.  My eyes welled up (though I didn’t let tears fall…I’m not that uninhibited…yet), and I felt the fear and the hope and the trust that all would work out for the best.

And, I’m happy to say that so far, it has.

Hugs!