I Found It

I only had to write 200 posts…and travel this journey of self-reflection and facing fear and coming to know and like myself to do it.

If I’d known the process would be so simple and so freeing, I would’ve started years ago.

In the midst of a world clamoring for attention, with everyone shouting here and there, I lived in more of a state of absorption, uncomfortable putting myself out there.

I used to be okay with who I was. Now and then, I get a glimpse of that girl–poised and powerful. She existed in a world all her own, able to make up the stories as she went, experiencing every dewdrop of life.

She-existed-in-a-world

Then, something happened. Several things, actually.

Instead of letting them go, I internalized the trauma. I let the words of others drown me. I gave up my power. I became a mirror of the words and actions of others. My words became silent, poured only into volumes and volumes of journals and diaries–my personal sanity. Some days, I couldn’t even share myself within the confines of those pages for the fear that someone may someday discover me.

But, at some point, I decided to follow Kelly Clarkson’s advice belting through my earbuds when I ran around mountains and hills for the second time in my adult life. “Out of the darkness and into the sun….

I began a blog. It wasn’t my first, but it was my own. I participated in NaNoWriMo for two years. I did hard things. I faced my fears. I climbed higher and sailed longer and swam deeper and prayed harder than I ever have. And I started singing again.

The need for silence was so heavy at times, pressing upon me. Other times, I wanted to scream from the rooftops (& I tend to have height issues). People around me fought against changes. I even yelled for about a week, needing to get words out of my body and into the warming air. (I have since stopped yelling, thankfully.)

But, I found it. I hope it’s here to stay.

I’m writing consistently.

I’m singing daily. I even auditioned for a solo (& got it)!

I’m happy.

I have found my voice.
Out-of-the-darkness-and

NaNoWriMo Update

I was hesitant to start reading a new book this month.  I have been writing for NaNoWriMo for almost a week now (today will be my sixth day of writing since I didn’t–and don’t plan to–write on Sunday).  So, amid bursts of words and the patience of my dear family, I have so far (and I haven’t written today yet) 14,096 words (which, double-spaced, equals about 51 pages).  I have always wondered if I had the time, determination, and wherewithal to accomplish such a daunting task, but I guess I know the answer now.  I have been amazed at the positivity I feel about myself and the new energy with which I am able to perform my otherwise perfunctory responsibilities.  I feel the support of my children and husband.  I feel excited to share my news with friends and family and those on Twitter and Facebook.  And, I have an empty sink (since my daughters and I caught up on dishes last night) along with a full heart.  Life is good.

This morning, though, I was feeling a little deflated…so I picked up a book I had requested from our local library.  I hesitated to open it (because I read slowly and just finished a rather lengthy reading endeavor last week) but I found it a delightfully quick read and a nice way to fill my head with a fun, quirky story as a distraction from the craziness I was experiencing.  I do love to read–but the book has to be worth the work my brain has to go through to read it.  I think I’ve found another one I actually want to keep reading.  🙂  See? Life really is good!

So, I leave you on this Wednesday to pick of where I left off, feeling blessed, happy, and grateful once again.  Grateful that I have a voice.  And though, at times, I find it falling on deaf ears, not making the difference I would like it to, I should continue to speak and write and blog simply because I have a message to share and a story to tell…and I’m finally finding the courage to tell it.