Here We Go Again

Just typing the title led to a song (have I mentioned that we speak in song around here?), which led to a Google search for a song by the same name, then on to Spotify (do you know how many songs have the title “Here We Go Again” on Spotify?…I don’t either, but the list is long), then back to Google because I could remember a decade. After eight minutes of searching, I found this gem of 90’s video-music-history:

You can thank me later. 🙂

As I have thought about catching up with the blog various times this summer, I chose instead to be engaged in life, in music, in moments. (In fact, the only real writing I’ve been doing for the past several months has been in my journal or on Facebook posts, and even those have been sparse.) I have been singing, though, so I’m going to give you my summer in a few minutes, filled with the songs that have reverberated in my vocal cords while sun has been shining on my face and life has been beautiful and challenging.

Sending all my love into the universe and praying some of it touches your heart and allows you ears to hear and a voice to sing. xoxo

I Found It

I only had to write 200 posts…and travel this journey of self-reflection and facing fear and coming to know and like myself to do it.

If I’d known the process would be so simple and so freeing, I would’ve started years ago.

In the midst of a world clamoring for attention, with everyone shouting here and there, I lived in more of a state of absorption, uncomfortable putting myself out there.

I used to be okay with who I was. Now and then, I get a glimpse of that girl–poised and powerful. She existed in a world all her own, able to make up the stories as she went, experiencing every dewdrop of life.

She-existed-in-a-world

Then, something happened. Several things, actually.

Instead of letting them go, I internalized the trauma. I let the words of others drown me. I gave up my power. I became a mirror of the words and actions of others. My words became silent, poured only into volumes and volumes of journals and diaries–my personal sanity. Some days, I couldn’t even share myself within the confines of those pages for the fear that someone may someday discover me.

But, at some point, I decided to follow Kelly Clarkson’s advice belting through my earbuds when I ran around mountains and hills for the second time in my adult life. “Out of the darkness and into the sun….

I began a blog. It wasn’t my first, but it was my own. I participated in NaNoWriMo for two years. I did hard things. I faced my fears. I climbed higher and sailed longer and swam deeper and prayed harder than I ever have. And I started singing again.

The need for silence was so heavy at times, pressing upon me. Other times, I wanted to scream from the rooftops (& I tend to have height issues). People around me fought against changes. I even yelled for about a week, needing to get words out of my body and into the warming air. (I have since stopped yelling, thankfully.)

But, I found it. I hope it’s here to stay.

I’m writing consistently.

I’m singing daily. I even auditioned for a solo (& got it)!

I’m happy.

I have found my voice.
Out-of-the-darkness-and

Mom, Will You Sing to Me?

My children are getting older. In fact, yesterday I spent the afternoon making a (late) birthday cheesecake for my oldest child. 🙂 We have yet to eat it (hopefully we will dig into it tonight), but the recipe looked delicious!

Anyway, I used to often sing to my little people when my eyes were tired from reading many stories and I was ready for the room to be darkened.  I sang songs from our church’s Children’s Songbook along with songs I learned in my college voice classes (like “Wiegenlied” by Brahms in the original German or “O Rest in the Lord” from Mendelssohn’s Elijah).

Sometimes my little ones would tell me to stop singing (which would break my heart because of the many fond memories of my mother singing to me at bedtime).

Then, the other day, I was surprised by my oldest daughter (who is fast approaching teenage life), as she called from her own room to me at bedtime with these words:

“Mom, will you sing to me?”

My heart melted, and I was taken aback for a moment, wondering what to sing, trying to find my voice.  Soon I began to sing one of my favorite Children’s Songbook songs, “I Feel My Savior’s Love,” which I sang to her oh-so-many-years-ago as I held her in my arms, nursed her at my breast.

The whole house fell silent, except for my voice, ringing through their bedrooms singing of love.

My husband soon joined me, and we sang together to our little people.  Our voices blended and lulled our children into safe and pleasant slumbering.

And, now, I have another favorite memory to add to my already full heart.


photo credit

 

Random Thoughts

I used to listen to Matchbox 20 on Mix 106 out of Tavares, FL before they were picked up by a label.

I don’t really have any memories before age 5…and very few specific memories between 5 and 15.

I only find myself singing when I am really, truly happy.

I’m working on self-confidence.

I liked alternative music when it was still called progressive.

I have several children.

I love to paint but rarely do it.

I love to bake and do that more often than I should.

I like the rain when the air is warm.

I hate wearing shoes but love my heels, platforms, and wedges.

I adore my husband.

I LOVE sunshine.

I would sleep in some days if my family life would permit it.

I like to exercise.

I thrive on progress.

I love to study, write, and discuss myriad topics.

I believe in God as a loving, caring, forgiving Being who is in the details of our lives.

I’m learning to like myself.

I’m trying to be happy where I am.

I have lots of love for others.

I like to help people.

I believe that I can see my family forever, even after death, in another more peaceful existence.

🙂